THE POLITICAL ANIMAL

So what’s going down in the world today, Animal?

Well, my fellow politicitizens, as many of you know, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich told reporters earlier today that he wants to address the public and give his side of the story. Well I contacted the governor this afternoon and convinced him to give me his first interview since his arrest on corruption charges.

And so without further ado, here is the transcript of my interview with Governor Blagojevich.

PA: Welcome to my blog Governor, and thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

RB: You’re [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing welcome, Political Animal. How the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] are you today?

PA: Just call me Animal, Governor. And please watch the language. Some of my readers are underage.

RB: I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything. You know, it just [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing comes out.

PA: Please have a seat, sir.

RB: Nice [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing chair you got there. That Italian leather?

PA: Yes it is, sir.

RB: This would look [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing great in my office. How much do you want for it?

PA: Sorry, Governor, but that seat’s not for sale.

RB: Fine. Have it your own [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing way.

PA: Before we begin, would you like me to give you a comb for your hair, sir?

RB: No, thanks. Actually, this is really an Elvis wig. Bought it in Graceland a couple years ago. Pretty bitchin’, ain’t it? Just don’t [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing tell anyone. The last thing I need is for people to [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing find out that any part of me is fake.  

PA: Ah, I see. Well, your secret is safe with me, Governor. Now let’s get to it. Sir, you told members of the press earlier today that you wanted to tell your side of the story. So what is it you want the American public to know about you?

RB: That I am not nor have I ever been involved in [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing corruption! Those mother[EXPLETIVE DELETED]ers over at the U.S. Attorney’s office are [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing framing me! I’m really as clean as a baby’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!

PA: But Governor, the FBI has taped conversations where you discuss illegal actions such as selling President-elect Obama’s Senate seat to the person who offered you the best deal for it. What do you say to that?

RB: I was [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing drunk when I said all that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing stuff. Didn’t mean a [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing word of it.

PA: I see. And are you drunk right now, sir?

RB: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] no.

PA: Okay. Well I had to ask. Anyway, so you weren’t seeking…let me look here…a lucrative position for you or your wife, a promise of money for your political campaigns, a cabinet post in Obama’s administration, or an ambassadorship to Serbia in exchange for an appointment to the Senate seat?

RB: No [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing way! I swear on The King’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing grave! But, in the process of making the appointment, if someone should have made me a [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing offer along those lines, well, who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] am I to refuse such a [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing opportunity?

PA: Hmm…I see. Now Governor, as I understand it, this isn’t the first time you’ve been in trouble. According to my research, you’ve been involved in at least a dozen federal investigations –“

RB: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing Feds.

PA: Yes, as I was saying, you’ve been the subject of at least a dozen investigations that have focused on accusations against at least 14 other people, including Tony Rezko, a former fundraiser of yours who was convicted on several counts of fraud and bribery. In December 2005 –“

RB:  [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing scoundrels I tell you! They couldn’t [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing stand the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing fact that I was bringing real [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing reform to the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing state of [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing Illinois, so they had to get me on [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ed-up charges!  

PA: May I finish, sir?

RB: Go right [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing ahead, Animal.

PA: Thank you. In December 2005, it was reported that people loosely involved in your re-election campaign were under investigation by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, along with others in connection to a shady leasing deal that was done for residents of the remodeled Illinois Tollway oasis.

RB: Fitzgerald, that [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing mother[EXPLETIVE DELETED]er!

PA: In June 2006, it was reported that your Attorney General, Lisa Madigan –

RB: That [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing bitch!

PA: Please don’t interrupt me, sir. As I was saying, Attorney General Madigan received a letter from Fitzgerald saying he was investigating “very serious allegations of endemic hiring fraud” in your administration. Fitzgerald also thanked Ms. Madigan for her office’s cooperation with the Feds. In September 2006, it was reported that you accepted a check written for $1,500 from a Mike Ascaridis back in 2003. Although you described Mr. Ascaridis as one of your closest friends, he gave you that check two weeks after his wife landed a job in the Illinois Department of Natural Resources. And it’s been reported that Mrs. Ascaridis got that job even though she failed a state hiring exam. At first you claimed that the check was a gift to your oldest daughter for her birthday. Then you claimed it was really a gift for your younger daughter’s christening.

RB: It was a [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing gift! What the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] else is there to [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing say?

PA: Then on October 2006, it was reported that a company won a no-bid contract after contributing nearly $120,000 to your first gubernatorial campaign.

RB: I [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing did nothing wrong, I tell you! All lies! All [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing lies!

PA: I think now would be a good time for a break. What do you say there, Governor?

RB: That’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing fine with me, Animal.

PA: Okay then. We’ll be back after these messages. So stay tuned, ladies and germs!

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