THE POLITICAL ANIMAL

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!

Most Americans are no doubt familiar with the war on Christmas. Every December the media gives extensive coverage to this controversy. But nobody seems to hear (or care) about another, lesser known conflict – the war on Festivus.

Yet, all across the country, this sacred pagan holiday is being discouraged, ignored, or banned outright. Stores have replaced the words “Happy Festivus” with “Happy Holidays” or “Happy Hanukkah” on their greeting cards. Federal law states that Festivus poles can’t be displayed in public places unless they are being used by firefighters or exotic dancers. Employees are barred from holding Festivus parties in their places of work, nor are they allowed to partake of sacred Festivus rituals such as the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Here are some specific examples of how this sacred holiday is being rubbed out of American society:

• A school in Hollywood, Fla. has prohibited teachers from using the word “Festivus” in class or in written materials.
• At another school in Topeka, Kans., children who wish their teachers or classmates a Happy Festivus are made to sit in the corner for a period of no less than thirteen minutes.
• A woman who works for a clothing store in Jackson, Miss. was spanked by her boss after she was caught passing out Festivus greeting cards to her coworkers.

This is an outrage, for the outlawing of Festivus is tantamount to turning our backs on our Roman heritage.

Although the creation of Festivus is attributed to retired religious artifacts salesman Frank Costanza, the observance of this holiday has its origins in ancient Rome. And it is an indisputable fact that America is an inherently Roman country. All of our founding fathers were Roman descendants who modeled our government after the government of Rome. Also, many of our presidents have Roman ancestry, including Georgica Washingtonius, James Maximus, Abercius Lincolnicus, Theodore Romulus, John F. Commodus, and George W. Bardus.

I want all you readers who care about this issue to air your grievances and perform a feat of strength by bringing this holiday back into the public square where it belongs. Americans need to understand that Festivus is not only an important part of our culture, but also a thoroughly entertaining and cathartic event. But don’t take this blogger’s word for it. The Constanza family can attest to the healing power of a fun-filled Festivus:

Jerry Seinfeld: And wasn’t there a Feats of Strength that always ended up with you crying?

George Costanza: I can’t take it anymore! I’m going to work! Are you happy now?!

Frank Costanza: I’ve brought one of the cassette tapes.

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): Read that poem.

George Costanza (on a tape recorder): I can’t read it, I need my glasses.

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): You don’t need glasses! You’re just weak, weak!

Estelle Costanza (on a tape recorder): Leave him alone!

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): All right, George. It’s time for the Festivus Feats of Strength!

George Costanza: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! I hate Festivus!

Frank Costanza: We had some good times.

So there you have it! So get out there in public with your Festivus pole and make a stand! As Mr. Costanza would say, “A Festivus for the rest of us, damn it!”  

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