THE POLITICAL ANIMAL

Well, my fellow politicats, Senate hopeful Caroline Kennedy has finally opened up and granted her first interviews since announcing her candidacy for Hillary Clinton’s seat earlier this month.

The New York Times’ Nicholas Confessore reports that the former First Girl talked yesterday about her “qualifications” for the office she’s seeking.

By the way, I just want to say that I think it was my recent article about Princess Caroline that compelled the woman to finally speak out.

Yes, I realize I’m an egotistical maniac, among other loathsome things.

Enough about you, Animal! What did Ms. Kennedy have to say?

“In our family in particular there is a sense we have to work twice as hard — people have this perception, and we are fortunate,” said the candidate. “But I think it’s a question what you do with that opportunity.”

I’m confused, Animal. Is that supposed to be one of her “qualifications”?

Sounds like it. Hmm…so if you’re a Kennedy, you have to work harder than other people to get ahead? That’s odd. Princess Caroline’s father didn’t have to work that hard when his dad bought him a seat in the House of Representatives, then a seat in the Senate, then the Oval Office. It sounds like Caroline thinks she should get Clinton’s seat because she “wants to give back to the people.” That sounds very nice, but not practical. A lot of us would like to “give back to the people,” but that doesn’t make any of us qualified to serve in public office.

According to Confessore, Kennedy also said that “if appointed senator next year by Gov. David A. Paterson, she would focus on securing economic aid for the state, overhauling the nation’s health care system, and school issues.”

That sounds vague, but it’s certainly more clear-cut than anything the woman has said so far.

What else does she say, Animal?

“Ms. Kennedy, 51, said her experiences as a mother and writer, as well as her work as a fund-raiser for New York City schools, had prepared her to succeed Hillary Rodham Clinton, who is expected to be confirmed as secretary of state next year.”

Being a mother is the toughest and most rewarding job in the world, but, unfortunately, it’s not good preparation for the world’s most deliberative body. Neither is being a writer. Fundraising comes in handy when you’re actually running in an election – as opposed to, say, just getting appointed by a governor – but I fail to see how that makes one qualified to do the kind of work that is required in the upper house.

Compared to Princess Caroline, Sarah Palin deserves to be president of the Milky Way galaxy.

Kennedy also says that the 9/11 terrorist attacks “made her want to give more to the city.” Yet, she didn’t take the idea of “giving more to the city” seriously until after campaigning for President-elect Barack Obama – a good seven years after Sept. 11, 2001.

“I thought, ‘What can I do now?’ and when this opportunity came along it seemed like, you know, I really ought to give it some thought,” said Kennedy.

Uh-huh. The 9/11 card didn’t work for Guliani when he ran for president, and I don’t see why it should work for the pampered princess of Camelot.

Hey, Animal, what does Kennedy say about being AWOL from numerous elections that were held in her own state?

“There isn’t a good excuse,” she said. “Going forward I will make sure to correct that.”

Good. And when you’ve amassed a record of helping Democrats in your own state get elected and have done more beyond the trust fund circuit, we’ll think about giving you a seat in Congress.

But wait, that’s not all! Here is some more.

“This is not just a job, it’s a vocation, a mission. I wouldn’t be putting myself forward unless I was serious about exactly what was required.”

If Kennedy were telling the truth, she would have done more to prepare for a job that’s as tough and prestigious as the Senate. Most senators start from the bottom (the House, for example) and work their way up. Or at the least, they’ve held real jobs prior being elected, after running a legitimate campaign. Princess Caroline apparently thinks she doesn’t need to do any of this.

Hey Animal, I’d like to give back to the people and become a senator. If Caroline can get a Senate seat with little effort and no real qualifications for the post, then can I do it too?

Sure thing! Just change your name to Kennedy and wait for a vacant seat to open up. It might also help if you act drunk so people will think you’re a real Kennedy and not an impostor.

Hey, Mr. Governor, if you’re reading this, I have two words for you: ANDREW CUOMO.

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