THE POLITICAL ANIMAL

Friends, readers, countrymen, lend me your ears! I’ve thought of a way to bring an end to the constant bloodshed that engulfs the Middle East!

Here’s my solution: Ban all organized religions in the region.

I’ve been doing some figuring and according to my calculations, eliminating the religions that are currently being practiced in the Middle East – especially Judaism and Islam – should cut violence down by at least 90 percent. Sure, it won’t solve all of the problems over there, but it’ll be a major stepping-stone towards everlasting harmony.

I talked to God this morning about my idea and He agrees that this is the best way to go. The Man Upstairs told me He was “sick and tired” of watching religious fanatics kill each other and scores of innocent people while claiming to speak (and act) in His name. God is especially peeved over what’s going on between the children of Abraham and the descendants of the Prophet Mohammed in the Holy Land. (You know why it’s called that? ‘Cuz of all the bulletholes there!)You see, although God was an angry and vengeful entity during the period related in the Old Testament, He mellowed out by the time Jesus came along. Having a son greatly diminished His appetite for death and destruction, He told me. 

Our Lord also had some other important things to say, which He wanted me to relate here.

First off, God wants to clear up a misconception that’s been floating around the earth for the past couple millennia. The Jews, He says, are NOT His chosen people. According to Our Lord, He doesn’t have a “chosen people,” and never did. Apparently, the reason why the Jews are referred to as His chosen people in the Old Testament is because that particular book was written by……JEWS!!!

In truth, God loves all of His children equally – except for atheists, Wiccans, Scientologists, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Oprah worshippers, and regular listeners of the G. Gordon Liddy Show. Our Lord says that treating Jews like they’re “special” or “superior” is wrong. However, He also says that if you treat them badly – well, you saw what happened to Rome and Dresden.

Oh yeah, and God also said He’s still pissed at Moses because He once loaned the guy 12 shekels to buy a new donkey and Mr. Ten Commandments still hasn’t paid Him back.  

Hey, don’t get angry at me! I’m just reporting what God told me! Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you Falwell Freaks and AIPAC lobbyists!

Secondly, God told me He personally thinks Islam is screwed up. According to Our Lord, the “Prophet” Mohammed was nothing more than “an unscrupulous merchant, a philanderer, and a warmonger.” (His words, not mine) God also wants the adherents of Islam to know that stoning helpless rape victims is not exactly the best way to get into His kingdom.

In addition to this, God also wanted me to tell those of you who are thinking about going into the suicide bombing profession that there are no virgins in Heaven that He is aware of. When I mentioned the Virgin Mary, God told me He’s always had doubts about the validity of that title.

How, Our Lord cried, can a woman conceive a child without losing her virginity? That’s physically impossible, or I’m not the Creator of the universe! God also told me that whenever He asks Joseph about what really went on in that stable, the latter quickly changes the subject.

Thirdly, God wanted me to let everyone know that He doesn’t have a problem with homosexuals. Although the Book of Leviticus has a quote from Our Lord saying homosexuality is “immoral” and “wrong,” He told me He changed His mind about 400 years ago when He realized that the condition is biological and not a matter a choice, as some claim.

Also, those of you who’ve read Leviticus may have noticed that it contains a bunch of weird laws that don’t make a whole lot of sense. Well, Our Lord wants you to know that He’s changed his mind about many of them as well. So it’s now okay to eat animal fat, although you may end up suffering for other reasons.

Fourthly, God wants everyone to know that George W. Bush does not speak for Him and never did. In fact, Our Lord told me that when He heard the former president say he appealed to a higher father, He thought Bush was really talking about Dick Cheney.

And lastly, God wants to say that despite what you may have heard in the media, President Barack Hussein Obama is not related to Him in any way, shape, or form. In fact, God told me that when He heard Obama was running for president, the first thought that came to His mind was, Who in My name is that guy????

So there you have it! Right out of the mouth of the Big Cheese himself!

So which religion shall we get rid of first?

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