THE POLITICAL ANIMAL

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, thank you very much. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be here today and present my closing argument, my chance to be able to talk to you, talk to the people of Illinois, and talk to anybody else who is listening.

When I was walking through the entrance of the Capitol Building today, I tripped and fell down on the floor. I don’t believe this was an accident. I believe that I fell under the weight of the heavy cross that I’ve been forced to carry around for the past few months, and I thought of Jesus Christ and the cross he had to bear, and that put some perspective to all this.

And right before my appearance before you people, I discovered that I really needed to use the restroom, but there was no time. I then thought about President Lincoln and how he must have felt the urge to answer nature’s call at key moments during the Civil War, but was himself unable to do so because of the needs of his office, and that put some perspective to all this.

I had the last couple of days — I’ve had a chance to be able to go out and talk to as many people as I possibly could about my desire to be able to appear here before the Senate, the Senate trial, and have a chance to be able to tell the whole story, have every single witness I could possibly bring be able to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, present as much evidence that’s available to be able to have the whole story told, and have a chance to be able to show you, here in the Senate, show the people of Illinois, and show anybody else who’s listening that I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Getting back to my talk show appearances, while I was on “The View,” I felt as though I was being interrogated and unfairly berated by the four ladies who run that program, and I thought about Sen. John McCain and the five harsh years of interrogation and abuse he suffered at the hands of the North Vietnamese Communists, and that put some perspective to all this.

I wanted to be able to bring in witnesses from Rahm Emanuel, the president’s chief of staff, to Senator Dick Durbin, to Senator Harry Reid and Bob Menendez, to every single person connected with any conversation I may have had in relation to picking the United States senator. Unfortunately, these rules have prevented me from being able to do that. And in spite of efforts to try to get you to give me that chance to do it, it didn’t work. So I went to the people, talked to as many people as I possibly could.

Now, when I did that, and met a lot of different people, and made that case to them, they were mostly sympathetic. They understood my position. They said, why bother? You’re innocent! You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong! Nothing at all! We know you’re being framed by your enemies so they can raise taxes and cover up that UFO sighting near Springfield the second you leave office.

By the way, when I was on Larry King’s show, I felt awkward talking to a man who, scientifically speaking, should be dead by now, but I thought about Odysseus’ journey into Hades and seeing all of those deceased Greeks, and that put some perspective to all this.

This is the United States of America. It’s guaranteed by the Constitution. It’s a fundamental civil liberty that every American enjoys. And imagine what it would be like to live in a country like this if you weren’t allowed to sell a Senate seat, oops, I mean, um, defend yourself.

Now, when I made that case to people, they listened to me and were supportive. But they also said to me, “If you feel so strongly about it, Governor, then why don’t you go to the Senate and tell them yourself? Why don’t you go there and tell them instead of you just telling us?”

And so that’s why I’m here. It has nothing to do with the fact that skipping my own impeachment trial and going on crappy shows like “The View” makes me look like a jackass. I’m here to talk to you and appeal to you, to your sense of fairness, your sense of responsibility, your commitment to the Constitution, your commitment to basic fairness. And I’m asking you, as I speak to you today, to imagine yourself walking in my shoes. Please imagine for a moment, if you will, what it’s like to have your very own Senate seat to do with what you will. Could any of you have resisted the temptation to make a sly buck under such circumstances?

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(Three hours later)

I want to thank you for giving me a chance to be here. But I want you also to know that whatever you do here — and I hope you think about the big, broad picture and the big consequences — not me. Think about future governors. Think about the constitutional rights that are involved. Think about the precedents. Think about the civil liberties that we Americans all enjoy. Think about the dangerous precedent of removing me without proving any wrongdoing. But for the love of God, please, please, PLEASE, DON’T THINK ABOUT ME!!!

Thank you very much 

END

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